What is there to say? What is there to do? I am basically feeling overwhelmed again by all that I want to do and all that I desire to do. This feeling upsets me because I know I can do more than I am doing at the present time.
I am not able to fulfill my writing goals and accomplishments. I think I am harder on myself than I am on anybody else. Isn't that the truth for each individual?
I think I am doing poorly, but someone else, perhaps a friend, thinks I am O.K. I guess that is all that matters.
I don't feel that I am wasting my time when I write. However, if you look at the business side of writing, I am not a producer. It seems like I cannot make the connection between my dreams and my goals. When I do accomplish something, I am indeed proud of myself. Nevertheless, it seems like it takes forever for me to finish one writing goal. I am good at starting but not at finishing.
I know I am not alone with these types of feelings about myself. Am I?

I wish that I had had a computer when I was in high school. I think I would have learned to type much better. I enjoyed learning how to type. I just did not enjoy the typing class as much as I did other classes.
My favorite class in high school was Spanish. I had the best Spanish teacher ever! She was about my height (four feet, eleven inches). However, she ruled the classroom with strict discipline. We could only talk Spanish in her classroom, so her students couldn't talk in class until we had learned enough Spanish to make conversation.
She even took some of her students, including me, on a trip to Spain for one week. And she was the only adult on the trip. She was mighty brave to be so small.
I loved Spanish so much that I wanted to major in it in college. However, my mother insisted that I become an elementary schoolteacher. I could do anything I wanted to do as long as I did what she told me to do. Does this sound familiar to anyone? My mother disagreed with each and every other career I mentioned except that of becoming a schoolteacher.
Just think of the job opportunities that I would have had today had I majored in Spanish! Who could have foreseen it in the 1970's?

I did not wake up until 11:00 a.m. this morning. I am so tired from yesterday. I cannot go from 6:30 a.m. in the morning until midnight anymore. If I was younger, I probably could get away with it. But, not now.
I live about 12 miles from town. So when I make a trip to town it is really an excursion. I try to do as many errands as possible in one day so I don't waste any gasoline.
I must say that I didn't think anything about the price of gasoline during the 1970's. However, there appeared to be an oil crisis at that time too. I drove back and forth to college without having any car trouble for four years.
I purchased my first car right after graduating from high school. The price was only $600.00, but this car was certainly worth its weight in gold. I never even considered worrying if I was going to arrive at a destination on time. That car always worked for me. I don't think I ever had an automobile accident when I was driving it either.
It is amazing how much I can remember about owning my first car ...

Today is Monday. I am working at the gas station from 2:30 p.m. until 10:30 p.m. tonight. That means that I might not get to bed until midnight tonight. I should be finished with the paperwork by 11:00 p.m. However, my husband has to come and pick me up tonight because the jeep is is the repair shop for the third time - getting the air conditioner fixed.
Today will be one of those days that I would rather have stayed in bed. There is a 40% chance of rain today. But I don't mind. This only means that it will be more boring while I am working tonight.
School is out and the summer season has begun here. Next weekend is Memorial Day weekend. As far as I know, I am not working that weekend. It doesn't feel like summer is here though.
I will have to leave to go to work about 1:30 p.m. or 2:00 p.m. I guess it depends on how much I get done between now and then when I go to work this afternoon.
Why does life have to be so hard? I guess the hard times make us appreciate the good times only that much more better ...

While my husband is working outside, I am on the computer. I would rather be at the computer than doing housework. Who wouldn't? Even if I am doing nothing whatsoever, I would rather be sitting here.
The thunderstorms were so bad last night that I had to unplug the computer. The lightning was so intense it reminded me of the fireworks on July 4. The lightning, just by itself, was marvelous to behold. Lightning can be beautiful as long as it doesn't strike anything on the ground.
There was also hail on the ground during the severe thunderstorm. Quite unusual for this time of year. More rain is expected this week but it is only a slight chance as compared to the thunderstorms we experienced this weekend.
We went to the movies last night. So we were able to really get a good look at the lightning while driving home from town. That's how I am able to describe the lightning so well.
It was good to know that both of our cats were inside. Montana, the inside/outside cat, no longer gets out from under the rain. If it starts raining, my husband or I have to go outside to pick her up and bring her inside. So, if Montana had been outside in the rain last night, she would have probably drowned. She almost drowned in another storm one or two years ago. So I have to really look after her when she goes outside into the yard ...

I was in town about all day yesterday so I did not have the free time to spend my normal working hours on the computer. I went to get my pap smear done and get a voucher for a mammogram. I did not have to pay for my pap smear because I qualified for a specific program for women fifty years and older. Maybe there is a certain advantage to getting older!
I am experiencing pelvic pain during menopause. The nurse thought I might have another ovarian cyst. However, she did not find anything yesterday morning to indicate that anything was wrong. So I guess that is good news. Nevertheless, I am supposed to keep a record of what is going on now. I hope I can remember to keep the daily and monthly records before I have to return back to the doctor.
I have always been slow but I think that after turning fifty, I am moving slower than ever before. The things I want to get done are just not getting accomplished. Perhaps I am going through another period of adjustment. It's like my body changes with each new decade.
Who said life begins at 40? They must have been mistaken ...

I will be so glad when menopause is over. Menopause started in my mid-40's and it began like a ton of locomotives pulling through a train station. Menopause dropped on me like a ton of bricks. There were no warning signs either.
In the beginning stages, I had to take hormones. They helped me tremendously at first. Then, later on, the hormones did me no good whatsoever. I stopped taking hormones when I was forty-nine.
So now, I am not taking any more hormones for menopause. Since I have stopped taking medication for it, I am doing better.
But now I am experiencing sharp pains during the day. It's nothing really bad, but it is a discomfort.
I thought I could be fantastic and not mention menopause at all at this place. However, I couldn't go without saying the word - menopause. Yipes!
Now my age is really beginning to show ...

This past weekend really tired me out. Visiting both my mother and my mother-in-law on the same weekend is not a good idea. My husband and I were traveling on the road most of the time. We are the only ones who travel the most distance to family reunions and other family activities, like weddings and funerals.
A lot of family secrets were revealed while we were at my mother-in-law's house. It really wasn't a lot of secrets - just two. But these secrets were so huge, I could probably write one more nonfiction book and one more novel just from the stories that were told.
Life is amazing. You never know what happens behind closed doors. My husband is from a rather large family. So, when there is news, whether it is good or bad, the news is passed from one family household to the next. Everybody talks and everybody listens, regardless of what kind of news it is!
I don't talk that much myself. And I really don't like to gossip either. Gossip usually pits one person against another one without knowing the true facts about the situation. So, I generally keep my mouth shut ...

This weekend I will be spending the night with my brother and sister-in-law in Peachtree City. My husband and I have never had the oppportunity to be overnight with them so we are looking forward to visiting with them.
I will be visiting my mother on Saturday at the nursing home in Jackson. Both my brothers will be there too. This will be a mini-family reunion for us. I have not seen my mother or my two brothers since Christmas of last year.
My mother was not the best mother in the world nor was she the worst. She could have done better for herself and her family, but she just did not know how to accomplish greater things while raising a family of her own. [She was the valedictorian of her high school class. She could have gone to college and become a schoolteacher like she wanted to do - before she got married.]
Nevertheless ... I grew up in a divorced household. She was so angry at my father that she became very bitter about the divorce, thereby, causing misery for the rest of us living at home with her. She kept her children away from their father, who became the missing piece in the puzzle of my family's life.
I did not meet my father until I was thirty years old. Maybe that is why I hesitate to celebrate Mother's Day each year .

I think I am through with working at the gas station now. I promised my manager - actually, my friend - one month of working for her and that time has finally come. Starting from the week of April 11, I think I have been there almost one month.
This type of job was just not my style. The owners of the gas station did not even care to train my manager so she could carry out her business duties properly. So, it was basically the untrained training the untrained on this job. And when the owners don't take a special interest in their business, why should I?
Any owner of a business should run it correctly. The owners did not even pay for someone to come from Atlanta to train my manager on how to perform her duties at work. This is poor management on the part of the owner.
If I had a business, I would definitely make sure that all the employees know what they are doing and why they are doing it.
I have figured it out. I need a business plan for my writing career and I need to stick to my own work schedule at home.

I have not kept a diary since the fifth grade. Only then, I wrote three or four entries in the diary. After that, I never used it again. I would like to find that diary just to see what was happening in my life at that particular time.
I was attending elementary school when I wrote in the diary. I think my elementary school years were probably the best school years I had. I enjoyed being at school because I had friends there and I was able to get away from the torment that my two brothers put me through when I was at home with them.
It was not only that I had friends at a school, but I had excellent teachers as well. If I saw my teachers at school, I also saw them at church every Sunday and Wednesday night too. Ours was a close community, like it is in any small town today - where everyone knows your personal business as well as your financial state. No one remained anonymous in my hometown.
If you had to keep a secret, it could not be kept with all the gossip spreading from one person to the next person in town.
Maybe that is why I have learned to keep my mouth shut. So I will not get into trouble with my spoken words. However, written words are something entirely different ...

I am getting in the habit of writing everyday. This is something I need to do on a daily basis. I make myself write here because I have a platform in which to write. I have a blank sheet of paper and I can sit down and put down my thoughts here.
However, when it comes to really working on a writing project, I fall short of my expectations. There are at least four writing projects that I am interested in doing this year. Nevertheless, I have come the farthest on just one of them. I do have a complete outline for one of my books.
I feel like I cannot start writing the book chapters until I have made a new revision of the outline. When the outline is fully completed, then I can start the real writing job for the book.
The outline has been sitting in my desk for the past four weeks (without adding any revisions to it). While the outline has been sitting there, I have been catching up on my reading.
It appears that I would rather read than write at this point. After I read my e-mails in the morning and look at a few websites on the Internet, I am ready to read in the afternoon. I read for one hour, perhaps two hours a day.
Either I need to get up earlier in the morning or go to bed later at night. What do you think?

I thought Mother's Day was this weekend. But I was wrong. Mother's Day is next weekend. Am I getting old or what? This year has really flown by fast. I cannot believe Mother's Day is here already.
Only yesterday it was January 1, 2006. This is what happens when the aging process starts. The days and months and years are gone too quickly. What will happen to the time I suppose I think I have left on this earth?
Time is precious. I never seem to have enough time. And I do not have any children. What if I had become a mother? Would I have been able to manage my time better then?
I don't know. I have a time management problem now.
When I was in high school and college, I had no problems getting my homework assignments done on time. If I had an assignment due, it was turned in.
It would be nice to go back to those days when I was younger. But it won't help me now.
I need to get rid of procrastination, that is for sure ...

I am fifty years old today. Today is my birthday. I am staying home on my birthday, too. That means I will not have to drive to town to work today. I have the whole day to myself until 4:30 p.m. That means I can do whatever I want to do today or I can do nothing at all today.
Birthdays are special. I make plans to be off on my birthday each year if it is possible. Being off on my birthday gives me time to reflect on the past fifty years of my life. It also gives me time to reflect upon the future.
This week has been hectic. I had made great plans for this week. However, all my plans did not work out for me. When I work at night, I am more tired during the day. I still have not adjusted to my work schedule. If my work schedule was more regulated, I wouldn't be so thrown off my home schedule during the week.
It seems like I am continually playing catch-up on the household chores when I have a part-time job. Keeping up with everything presents daily challenges. My writing steps to the rear whenever I am working - even a part-time job. And it shouldn't be this way at all ...

Last night I found out why I have been making mistakes at work. I have been using the wrong reports at night to close out the store. I am supposed to use the close shift report at night instead of the daily closing report. The manager uses the daily closing report on a different sheet of paper and turns in all the daily reports on the next day with yesterday's deposits.
At least now I know that I haven't been losing my mind. It takes such a long time to learn a new job. No wonder I have wanted to stay at home and work from home all these many years.
I was not able to sleep last night because of the information I found out yesterday evening. One of the employees at work stole one gallon of milk and only confessed it when the manager and her husband were taking out the videotapes at work and were going home to review them. She also paid for the gallon of milk on the spot, too.
Why do people steal from their employers when they make enough money to pay their monthly bills? I don't understand their need to steal from work when it is the taxpayers who suffer when they steal the money or food they think they want.
Life is a big fat mystery, indeed ...